Book – Conscious Parenting Holistic Children, 600 Pages

Excerpt from Chapter 2: Creating an Alive Environment 

Just as the remarkable divine plan tucked within a tiny seed can be helped along with the right proportions of water, sunlight, soil pH, compost, etc., we can see that the luminous potential within each child is nourished with love, nutrient-dense food, opportunities for creative expression, and self-esteem-building parent-child interactions. And, as we all know yet often find challenging in practice, it is the environment surrounding the child that teaches the most, rather than what we say—no matter how loudly it is said. 

 ~ 

Under optimal environmental conditions designed to support the holistic development of the child into a healthy human being—children exhibit healthy evolutionary characteristics such as deep concentration, self-discipline, spontaneous joy, social cohesion, a sense of dignity, and a love for order, silence, and work. In Montessori’s day, describing schoolchildren with these attributes was completely unheard-of, and word spread quickly of the miraculous appearance of the “new child.” By carefully observing children and thus seeing their healthy unfolding, Montessori sought to match the children’s environment to the specific and general needs of human development, and saw that deviations from healthy childhood such as restlessness, inability to concentrate, aggression, and depression, as well as physical symptoms, began to naturally disappear.

Today we are seeing an alarming number of physical, mental, and behavioral childhood disorders. The spirituality of the child cannot help but be affected by this. We are now witnessing the ramifications of a society whose primary goal is to be industrially productive. This, at its worst, creates a culture of death, a culture that puts money, wealth, power, and materialism at the center of one’s life rather than the Divine, spiritual evolution, and creative living as a full human being. If we are blessed with the discrimination to see this for what it is, we can choose to embrace an alternative experience, a culture of life and liberation strengthened by an alive environment for ourselves and our children.

What is an alive environment? It is a cultural atmosphere that supports the divine journey of human development—the unfoldment of our full potential for knowing and being the divine experience we are uniquely meant to be. 

What does an alive environment look like? The specific form may vary from one family or education support team to another, because the culture of life and liberation is not limited to one specific religion, pedagogy, parenting approach, or educational method. At the same time, these tools or metaphors can lead us to our own aliveness; these are therefore likely to be a part of our supportive environment.

Creating an Alive Environment for the Parent

The first step in preparing an alive environment for the child is the building of an alive environment for the parents. For conscious childrearing, we need to first be open to receiving aliveness so that we can be equipped to give in this way. All of us have probably either experienced or witnessed parents burning out by denying their own needs for the sake of the children, which can more easily happen in child-centered parenting. Not only does this result in the depletion of what a parent has to give to the child, it may also inadvertently teach children that only their own needs matter. 

Similarly, we run into problems if we attempt to meet the needs of the self through the child, or otherwise at the expense of the child, as can also easily happen with parent-centered parenting. Our children’s lives do enhance our own spiritual development, but in order to maintain balance we need to go to our own Divine Source for replenishment and renewal. 

As the adults, we are the ones who set the stage for vitality, love, or disharmony in the home. We set ourselves up for one or the other, and our children take their cues from us. If we live our lives with the Divine at the center rather than our ego (career, house and accessories, parties, entertainment, addictions, retirement, emotions, or even children), then our kids will receive what their souls cry out for most—a living example of how to stay connected with one’s own divinity, and thus remain fully alive.

As we have all probably noticed, the path of human adventure is riddled with pitfalls. This is why an effective system of support is such a tremendous blessing! 

 ~

{ The next part in the book discusses The Six Foundations for a Spiritual Life & The Sevenfold Peace from parenting & family perspectives }

Supporting the Alive Child’s Stages of Development

Now that we’ve looked at building a foundation of nourishment, renewal, core-strength, and inspiration for the parent, we’ll delve deeper into the developmental needs of childhood. Although both parent and child share the same general soul-purpose, understanding that this unfolds according to different stages or rhythms in our lives is key. When we really “get” that children are not merely miniature adults but are in a continual maturation process, we can offer much greater support for their experience. 

An obvious example of this is how an infant’s digestive system develops over time. Their food sources need to match their younger physiology, rather than starting on grownup foods. A less obvious example is the two-year-old who may need to assert choices that oppose her parent’s will—not because she doesn’t want the bedtime story or dessert being offered, but because she is just starting to see herself as being separate from others and needs to have the experience of exercising her own will. After she has satisfied this age-appropriate, ego-development need of choice, she may then want the story or treat after all. 

Similarly, the very young child who is beginning to grasp the relationship of cause and effect may benefit most from the adult stating simply, calmly, and clearly what is happening in this regard. “When we hit, there is no play” may be more effective than going into diplomatic negotiations that may be well-intentioned but require more advanced thinking skills than the child is ready for.

Education innovators such as Rudolf Steiner (founder of the Waldorf Schools and biodynamic farming) and Dr. Maria Montessori have metaphorically likened the child’s stages of growth to the metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly. These sequential phases are very distinct, almost as if we are witnessing the unfolding of a new creature from one period of growth to the next. As Montessori noted, this is significantly different from the development of the oak tree, which grows by simply getting bigger.

Montessori observed four specific stages marking a child’s developmental journey, noted the qualities and needs of the growing child during each stage, and organized them by age accordingly. With the understanding that the unborn child is sharing the mother’s experience, for example, we can aim to support all mothers in healthy thought and lifestyle choices. This is the first stage. 

When we consider a baby’s experience of childbirth, we can be sensitive to this major transition by welcoming him into a warm, natural, quiet, dimly lit, and otherwise tranquil environment, rather than treating an impressionable infant as if he has already experienced loud noises, bright lights, cool temperatures, restrictive clothing, invasive medical procedures, and unnatural settings. 

With the understanding that the child age zero to three is unconsciously taking in his surroundings without the ability to filter out stimuli, we can also take greater care to provide natural, peaceful, and affirming stimuli. When we realize the highly significant role that movement plays in this second stage of development, as it is instrumental in moving from unconscious into conscious, we can minimize restrictions to the child’s movements such as playpens, strollers, walkers, baby swings, etc., and set aside time to go for walks at the child’s pace. 

During the third stage of development (age three to six), we see children refining their movements and wanting to be helped to do things by themselves. 

In the fourth stage, from age six to twelve, we see children entering into greater social collaboration and a place of greater developmental stability. This is a time when we can appreciate their emphasis on justice, as they are now really grappling with this concept. We are empowered to understand rather than judge when children may also be inclined to vocalize their own accomplishments at this stage of life. 

In adolescence, which is the fifth stage (ages twelve to eighteen), we can appreciate that although children may take on the appearance of adults, because of the significant physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual changes they are undergoing, teenage years are a less stable time. During this stage they tend to be very sensitive to any form of criticism, yet may not yet be aware of their own negativities and judgments. This is also a time when heavy academic pressure may not be as beneficial to the child as hands-on character-building community service projects.

 In the work of renowned psychologist Erik H. Erikson (1902–94), a student of Maria Montessori, we see a continuation of these stages into adulthood. In the Steiner model of human development, we see an observance of seven-year cycles. Steiner described cosmic energies that support the human journey with specific energetic themes in each cycle from age seven into adulthood. In the contemporary work of Pamela Levin, there are seven stages of growth accompanied by supportive affirmations specific to each of these times in the child’s life, as well as for the adult years of integrating the experiences of childhood. 

From birth to six months, for example, is a key time for adults to affirm, “We’re glad you’re here, because this is where you belong.” From six to eighteen months, we want to send theconsistent message: “When you explore and experiment, we will protect and support you.” From eighteen months to three years, we affirm, “We are glad you’re starting to think for yourself,” and “You can say ‘no’ and push the limits as much as you need to, and we will keep you and others safe as you do so.”  From age three to six, the message is: “We delight in your discoveries.” From age six to thirteen it is: “You can be responsible for your own needs, feelings, and behaviors, and still ask for our support,” etc. 

In Levin’s work, we see what all of these human-development researchers have pointed to: The human journey is a spiraling cycle, coming back around to the same themes, each time with ever-greater expansion and understanding, in contrast to a linear timeline or stages through which we pass, never to visit again.

Understanding that there are “normal” stages of human development can guide us in how we support our children with living nutrition as well. With the understanding that the first five years of development are pivotal for laying the foundation for the rest of the child’s life, we can see the tremendous value of the parents’ personal healing on all levels prior to conception. With the understanding that our toddlers and preschoolers have a different and more impressionable and programmable mind than the adult mind, we can serve our children by protecting them from the commercial influences that seek to make a profit off of their vulnerability. 

We can also create the foundation for healthy dietary and lifestyle patterns for the young child at this stage in order to protect them from cultural food addictions and patterns that have a high probability of creating chronic disease. Later in life, the child will be ready to make mature food decisions for themselves, guided by the foundation we have created. As Kelly Dorfman, MS, LND points out in her book What’s Eating Your Child?: The Hidden Connections Between Food and Childhood Ailments, brain research now indicates that the prefrontal cortex, which helps us to connect our actions with consequences, is not fully developed until the late teens or early twenties. Dorfman confesses that if she were unable to connect the experience of ill health with the food that she eats, and therefore made dietary decisions based on taste alone, she would be eating ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner! 

As it stands today (in 2015), twenty percent of American children are obese. Because children are still developing food awareness, they need our positive help with welcoming new taste experiences and developing healthy eating habits, just as they need our help in learning to brush their teeth and to understand other safety issues. When children are raised on vegan, organic, living foods, their taste buds seem to be more trained to appreciate diverse and vibrant flavors and textures. Likewise, as we transition from processed foods to organic, whole and vegan, living foods, our taste preferences also begin to change. For example, we begin to experience white flour as lacking in flavor, and begin to receive great pleasure from eating fresh, ripe fruits and veggies.

As our children grow and begin to express an interest in justice, we can also support them with an education about how animals are enslaved in order to harvest their life-force energy. We can teach them about the hogging of global resources by animal-based eating habits. (See “Resources,” page xxx, for educational media on this subject.) For teens who might be dealing with concerns over weight gain, acne, or other body issues due to hormonal changes, we can sensitively offer an alternative to unhealthy food patterns and harmful pharmaceuticals that may support those patterns. As this age is emotionally more delicate, it may be helpful to be less direct with our guidance, and wait until we’ve been asked (directly or indirectly) before giving advice. As Steiner noted, this is also a time when the child delights in ideas and ideals. Adults who are a living example of the culture of life can thus be a profound inspiration to teens as they learn to make life-affirming choices.

In the human developmental journey, we arrive from that which is prior to consciousness. Through the experiences of physical life, which include ego development, we become more and more conscious of the Oneness from which we’ve come, and eventually cast off the chrysalis-like restrictions of the ego to enter into a love of the Divine and Divine-merged states of expression. 

The metaphor of transformation deepens as we consider how a butterfly needs to struggle for its ability to fly. If the chrysalis is broken by someone in an attempt to help free the butterfly, its wings will be shriveled and immobile. This is because the effort that it takes to pass through the small opening is the very thing needed to force fluid from the body of the butterfly into the wings, preparing it for flight. So it is with our children’s developmental journeys—we can offer a loving example, guidance, affirmation, and other forms of support, but setting themselves free like the butterfly is their evolutionary work, guided by the hand of grace.